I dated somebody who was utilizing me to get again at his ex-wife … who turned out to be my boss — Ask a Supervisor


It’s “the place are you now?” month at Ask a Supervisor, and all December I’m operating updates from individuals who had their letters right here answered up to now.

There will likely be extra posts than standard this week, so preserve checking again all through the day.

Bear in mind the letter-writer who dated somebody who was utilizing her to get again at his ex-wife … who turned out to be her boss? Right here’s the replace.

I simply wished to replicate some gratitude in your compassionate response, in addition to the help from everybody within the remark part. On the time I despatched this letter, this had all occurred to me seven years earlier, however remains to be one thing that brings up lots of disgrace and stress.

I believe partly, I felt that I ought to have recognized higher, and I felt silly for not realizing that somebody might have had ulterior motives for in search of me out. This prevented me from speaking to individuals in my life about it, and on the uncommon events that I did, I used to be all the time centered on what I ought to have achieved in a different way and the ways in which I felt I ought to have acknowledged what was occurring. That is mirrored by my continued ruminations for years that I had wronged my earlier director by not discovering a strategy to handle the state of affairs together with her, even understanding now that this might have triggered all kinds of unanticipated tumult for everybody concerned.

That is all simply to say that self-directed disgrace and stigma very generally is a barrier in the case of working in direction of a more healthy relationship with oneself. As an older (fortunately married!) individual now, I can positively acknowledge the ways in which I might have practiced extra warning and discernment whereas relationship on-line, however in the end I’m working in direction of feeling compassion for that youthful model of myself who simply wished to be chosen at a time when life was marked by insecurity, chaos and loneliness.

I made reference to this within the feedback of the unique article, however I’m at a spot in my profession now the place my earlier director is extra of a colleague in my skilled community. From the skin, she seems to be doing very properly. As I’ve gotten older and moved into administration roles myself, I’ve gained extra perspective on the entire transferring elements at play in what occurred to us, and my respect for her solely continues to develop.

It’s obvious to me now from data I’ve picked up through the years that the husband was struggling considerably with substance use all through their divorce and the time I knew him. I believe there’s a distinction between explaining the context of 1’s actions vs justifying these actions, however total my emotions in direction of him now hover between sympathy and pity. I hope that he finds a spot of wellness, hopefully distant from any younger ladies.

And sure, I’m seeing a therapist – lol

Thanks once more, all, and joyful new yr!